I Have A Question...

I wonder if Dogs asks questions? Where are you from? How did you get here? Mind if I smell your butt?

I’m not so sure they do, but I’m also not sure they just make statements.

I’ve been working on asking instead of stating—being curious instead of responsive. Now, I can only speak for myself, but it ain’t all that easy, especially when someone is trying to be vulnerable or share a difficult topic.

When we approach a conversation with curiosity, we listen differently. “Curious listening” I call it, is controlled by the self while “reactive listening” is controlled by our ego. Our ego loves to be in control. It wants to be the savior, the protector, and the fixer.

Typically, when conversing with someone who is responding with their ego, it goes something like this…

Sharer: “I’m having a tough time with this job change.”

Reactive listener: “I think you need to give it some time.”

Sharer: “Okay.”

Reactive listener: “You never know, you might discover you have a passion for cleaning dog kennels.”

Sharer: “Maybe.”

While this response is common and certainly doesn’t feel egotistical, it’s still centered on the listener having control and doesn’t offer a continuance. This doesn’t mean the listener or the advice (although unsolicited) is bad, it just didn’t give the sharer an opportunity to actually, share.

Let’s try again, but this time as a curious listener, responding as the self might…

Sharer: “I’m having a tough time with this job change.”

Curious listener: “Change can be hard. What do you feel is the toughest part?”

Sharer: “The smell.”

Curious listener: “That certainly makes sense...”

Sharer: “And thinking I’ll have to do this for the rest of my life.”

Curious listener: “Do you want to do this for the rest of your life?’

Sharer: “Of course not.”

Curious listener: So what I’m hearing you say is, you’re doing the best you can during a difficult time. Is that right?”

Sharer: “I guess. I just thought I would have my life figured out by now.”

Curious listener: “Doesn’t that feel like a lot of pressure?”

Etc…

When we focus on asking questions, we allow learning to take place. Something I’ve learned as I practice asking questions, is I end up learning just as much about myself as I do about the person sharing.

Not to get super in the weeds here, but one caveat I’m currently working on is making sure the questions I’m asking are helpful to the sharer and aren’t pointed to satisfying my own ego. Basically, don’t pry into stuff that ain’t ours to pry into.

I’ve created this sort of “mantra” to use on occasions when I’m not sure what questions or responses to give and if silence doesn’t seem to be appropriate either. I’ll say this in my head before I offer a response…

Does this add value to them, or does this add value to me?

If it doesn’t add value to them, then I typically revert to silence as the best option.

When someone shares something difficult, our natural response is to offer help—usually as advice. Unless an opinion or advice is sought, unsolicited advice and opinions are almost never wanted and, frankly, not needed.

We humans are smart. We almost always know what we should be doing.

Sharer: “I wish I could lose weight.”

Reactive listener: “You should go for a run.”

Sharer: “Dang, didn’t think of that. Thanks, Dr. Obvious.”

Insecurity is loud, confidence is quiet.

Questions have a way of relieving the person sharing from feeling like a burden. They take away the pressure and welcome them into knowing they’re not too much and they’re welcome to share as much as they wish. They’re not being judged.

Mud: “Every time we pass this spot on the road it reminds me of the day y’all found me.”

Dirt: “You want us to drop you off again so you can have a fully immersive experience?”

Me: “Dirt!”

Dirt: “Okay, okay. I’m sorry. Well, what comes up for you when you think about that day?”

Mud: “We don’t have to talk about it.”

Dirt: “I know we don’t have to, but would you like to?”

Mud: “No.”

Dirt: “Thank God.”